You're Never Prepared to Say Goodbye

Just an FYI, the following post will be full of emotion and not as lighthearted as most of my previous posts. But there are some things I need to get out of my head and down on "paper" before they escape me.

You're Never Prepared to Say Goodbye

Those who are closest to me know that the past two years have been challenging. My dear Auntie Luu has been battling ovarian cancer over the past couple of years and two weeks ago, I got a call from my mom. 

I try to find positive rays in everything so even though the return of her cancer, the inability to fight it and the thought that she would soon leave this world, I tried to make the best of it and enjoy what time I had left with her. This was challenging giving that she is in SLC and I'm in STL. At first, I really struggled. I had no idea how serious it was and how long she'd be with us. The first few conversations by phone were filled with tears rather than laughter. Life got busy, days moved on and she seemed to be doing fine. I think I eventually found myself in a deep valley of denial. I recently switched jobs and in between the two jobs, I thought it would be a good time to see her since I couldn't see her during my visit last spring. During our phone chat, Luu told me she was doing fine and that her doc said that even though the cancer was still growing, she was doing fine. After talking with my mom on the phone, I knew this wasn't the case. 

I am very fortunate for so many things: Dear friends who have been so amazingly supportive over the last couple of weeks; parents who helped me get home so quickly; family who reported back to me multiple times a day to let me know how she was doing; a new job that has also been very supportive in my immediate need to be out of the office; and time being on my side. We don't always get the chance to say goodbye...

My mind has also been floating back to those I've lost in the past. Not only because of the upcoming birthdays, anniversaries of losing them, my current situation but also the recent release of a very amazing book written by someone who means a great deal to me: Alyce Gross.

Nearly 5 years ago, I lost my first friend. Dear, sweet Heather was taken from this world far too soon in an avalanche. She was taken doing what she loved and it was so hard for so many to have this sudden gap in our lives. With the distance from living in St. Louis, I wasn't as close to Heather as I had been growing up but when you know someone from your childhood, you grow up together, you go on adventures and laugh together - no distance can change your connection. I truly struggled with this loss. Many didn't get to say goodbye. I was not in a place to financially afford to get home. In fact, I just passed up on another childhood friend's wedding because of this and I was upset by that decision. Little did I know I'd be home soon thereafter. Thanks to some dear friends from my college days, I was able to fly home via standby flights. That was the longest 48 hours trying to get on a flight in time for Heather's celebration service. There, I saw friends from my childhood - elementary school, girl scouts, middle school dance company and high school. I was able to offer my condolences to Heather's family - Alyce, Denny and Emily. I was able to enjoy stories from others on what Heather mean to them. It was surreal and very moving. Alyce's book is amazing. It is an account of what this was like for her. I saw it released on Amazon this week, rushed a copy and started reading on my flight to SLC. It is hard because it brings back the emotions but it has also helped, given the purpose of my recent visit.

Alyce - thank you. Thank you for being such a great teacher in so many ways - elementary school, girl scouts and life. I can't imagine what the past 5 years have been like for you and in reading the first few sections, it must have been so hard to relive it in order to share this experience with others. Thank you!

I've lost many other dear friends and family since I left SLC. Another friend who counseled me through the loss of Heather was taken just a year or so later in a tragic biking accident and then my grandmother just two years ago. I didn't make it home for Bunny's service but was grateful to make it home for my grandmother's. 

No matter the situation - whether you get to say goodbye or miss the chance - it seems you're never fully prepared to say goodbye. The optimist in me tells me that this visit to see my Auntie Luu isn't goodbye; that a miracle will happen and she will bounce back and I will see her on my next visit in February. But the recent events have instilled a fear in missing out on the chance. While I hope, selfishly, that she is still here, she may not be and perhaps that would be for the best considering the pain she is in each day. I don't know. I don't know how to say goodbye. How does one say goodbye to an aunt who has been like a big sis? I have been so close to her my whole life and she has inspired me daily to be the person I am today. ... I want to make the most of my visit - be lighthearted, laugh with her, talk around it. But how do I say the things I need to say; how do I express my gratitude for all she has given me in this life?

I am lucky that I even get to...

A quote from Alyce's book, page 40:
"In Greek there are different words for love. Jesus spoke of agapao: the highest form of love. I heard it once explained as "willing that person the best they can achieve for themselves."

In this way, so many have shown me this love in my lifetime and for that I will always be grateful. To Heather, Bunny, my grandparents and eventually my Aunt - what you have given me, live on. In my "art" and in my heart. Thank you. 

And thank you to those in my life each day for all you share with me.

There's a song I just can't seem to get enough of right now - Brave by Sara Bareilles. It came on as I was reading a very moving section of the book that made me think of the purpose of my visit. I may not know how to say goodbye, I may even get more time on a future visit... but no matter what, it's time to show how big my brave is by somehow saying everything I need to.